Saturday, May 12, 2012

Time Warp

I am not sure what happened.  One day I made a post - and the next day Blogger would no longer log on to this account to make another.

So then I figured "Fine.  I will just start a different one..."

Nope.  Could not be done.

According to Blogger, my toolbar was outdated and needed to be updated - which struck me as funny because - I had just updated it.

I kept no avail...and honestly, the last few years we've been spending from May through September at the lake and I forgot all about it once we got home. 

Forgot...Until today.

When I came home from the doctors office after being told the news I've been dreading.

I have to be tested for Type 2 Diabetes.

Joy.  Joy.  Joy.

So I have an appointment already for Monday but the doc and I have already discussed - depending on blood sugar levels, we might just do the monitoring and diet changes to begin with before taking any other route.  But we will wait until Monday before making any decisions.

I have been eating relatively healthy and exercising but I haven't lost a noticable amount of weight and simply haven't bothered to adjust food intake/activity level - my bad, I know.

And in the last 2 months, I've actually gained over 25 lbs - because I quit smoking.

Good on the quitting smoking...BAD on the weight gain!!!  Chocolate and coconut bars became my "drug of choice" which does NOT work well with blood sugar - now I have to get off that and back on the healthy eating and exercise.

And hopefully, Blogger will work for me again.

I am hoping tomorrow will give me the chance to update all the weights and measurements - but Kiddo has a ball tournament so we will have to see.  He is no longer in Scouts but baseball, Tae Kwon Do (currently a new 2nd Green Stripe!!!) bowling, golfing and swimming.

Oh, and he is now TEN!  Goodness how time has flown!  That whole "time warp" hit us somewhere because the last time I checked, he was only 4 years old!  We're still homeschooling and wrapping up 5th grade by taking a major (for us) trip next week.  We are heading down south for a Star Gazing party, then heading across the border to the USA - South Dakota to be exact.  We were studying Canada's Neighbour this year and Kiddo wants to go and see "The Presidents Heads" - Mount Rushmore.

Luckily, we have a new camper and lots of storage for food - so I've already planned out a relatively healthy diet for our trip, including lunches we can take with us for our daily excursions instead of eating out.  Whole wheat/whole grain wraps, salads with grilled meats, fruits/fruit salads, trail mix, etc.  I will likely have to make a few changes if the worst happens to be true...but it shouldn't be too bad.

But the doc did ask that I do purchase one of those handy dandy finger pokers anyways, even if it turns out I am not diabetic - glucose monitor, if you don't know.  She does want me to start keeping an eye on blood sugars because of my pre-disposition thanks to PCOS, family, weight, etc.

So tomorrow I get to go and buy one of those - though I am not impressed.  I do a lot of knitting (to keep myself from eating/smoking) and much of that knitting is with lace weight yarn and often in white or cream - and I would hate to have my finger bleed all over that especially if I am almost finished. 

But now that I think about it...Didn't BB King promote one that you tested on your arm?  I might have to look into something like that.

Anyways, I am back.  I was thinking today as I left the doctor's office how much blogging helped me stay on track before - so I am super happy that it is all working again (though this new format is going to take a bit getting used to for me!)

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Poison Arrow

I had coffee with a friend of mine today.  Our children played in the yard (nicely, I might add) and we got to talking about weight loss.  I told her I was starting up the Healthy Plan again and lose some of the excess weight while getting fit as well (it will help my back and knees as well as my foot which has been giving me issues again thanks to my back - funny how these things are all connected, huh?)

Anyways, instead of being supportive and saying "Good for you", I a nutshell...

"Don't let anyone dictate to you what your weight should be!  You have to learn to love your own body and it's imperfections.  You can't let other people tell you that you are fat just because the media as skewed what real beauty is..." and whole lot of other stuff...

And I started to find myself thinking...

Hey...Yeah!  Why should I lose weight just to make everyone else comfortable with looking at me?  Why should I try to lose weight and be a size two just because the media will have you believe that the only real beauty comes in a size two?

And I kept thinking this way for about an hour...

And I noticed something strange happening to me.

I was finding myself entering this dark place.  Dark and sad and filled hopelessness.  And in that place I saw what my life was as this person - sitting on the side watching my son play because I was too fat and lacked the ability to play with him.  And I found myself suddenly picturing where my life was going to be in a few years - or less, or more - when Mommy can't do anything because her heart couldn't handle the strain of being overweight or she had a stroke or developed diabetes or her back gets worse because of the weight...

I gave my head a shake and realized that I HAVE to get back on track.  There is too much at stake here for me NOT to focus on my HEALTH - it isn't being a size two but being HEALTHY and active and able to play with my son.  Being a certain size at a certain weight is just a bonus...NOT the goal!

I also realized that there are two ways to the media - there is the media that promotes the models and actresses who are tiny as being the "role models" for healthy living (yeah, sorry...a coke sniffing super model is NOT who I want to be...EVER!)...

But then there is the other side of accepting who you are, as you are and thus, giving away your power to make changes because "everyone should accept me just the way I am" and "I love me the way I am" kind of attitude.

How is telling me I have to learn to accept my body as it is any different than telling me I have to lose weight?

There is no difference because they both lead to the same outcome - leaving me in a dark place that I no longer want to be in.  BOTH are unhealthy ways to deal with weight issues for the person you are talking to.  Accepting yourself as "a fat beautiful person" is unhealthy if you are not active and your heart is going to give you issues or you develop diabetes just as much as losing weight ONLY to please other people and not learning how to maintain a healthy lifestyle and losing to quickly and regaining it back and forth and forth and back...

So anyways, another friend of mine called today and we started talking about how I was feeling.  I wish she lived closer (instead of almost two provinces away) because I could use her support and our phone calls get long and expensive.  Anyways, we were talking about how I was feeling and when I told her what this other friend had said, she fully agreed with my analysis but also added

"Perhaps she was jealous that you are actually trying to do something about it.  That you are taking it on and rather than a quick fix you are willing to do the hard work and that makes her mad at herself so she wants to keep you where she is."

Perhaps B is right.  No, I believe B is right.  M is very much the type of person to "bring someone down" so that she doesn't have to "raise herself up", which is why I have always limited my association with her.

So we kept talking and I mentioned I needed support.  More support than I was currently getting.  It is nice to hear "good for you" BUT I keep thinking there is something I am missing and I realized today it is the talking about the struggles with people I know have gone through or are going through the same thing.

For example, Easter dinner with the inlaws.  It was hard going there and trying to eat healthy when there was simply no healthy options other than the tossed salad I brought.  But as well, getting to hear about how "they are all perfectly healthy and have been eating this way all their lives"...

OBVIOUSLY FORGETTING that BOTH MIL and FIL were only just recently released from long stays in the hospital for heart related issues - FIL had a pacemaker put in but has been on heart meds for 30 years now and MIL was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure AND has struggled with high cholesterol and high blood pressure for the whole time I've known her.  Yeah...perfectly fine and healthy...

So anyways, I got to listen to how nasty I was being to Hubby for not allowing him to eat how he wants...To which I responded "He can how ever he wants.  I am not his keeper.  BUT so long as I am cooking the meals, this is how I am going to cook.  If he wants to eat something else, he is more than welcome to cook for himself"...

TABOO to say such a thing in a Mennonite household where because I am the daughter in law my MILs words are gold and my Hubby's wishes are all that matters!  LOL

In his defense, Hubby stood beside me and said it was a choice we made together to get healthy so we are there for Kiddo for the long haul.

But Hubby is not always here, and his views don't always mesh with mine when it comes to what we eat.  I am glad he is able to eat only one piece of chocolate...I cannot.  So telling me it is as easy as "only eating one" is NOT helping when I ask what to do.

So in talking to B, I've come to see that I need a more supportive and understanding environment which brings me to Weight Watchers.

I checked online.  There is only one group here and they meet on Wednesdays BUT being the Easter break, they did not meet this week.  So I am going to go and check them out next Wednesday.  I don't know if I will join but I do want to check it out and see what it is about and if it will be what I currently need.  I know I need to get on track again and so if joining them is what I need, than that is what I will do.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Don't You Forget About Me...

Been MIA for a while...

Too long.

But I slipped early last summer and did some damage to my back and I've been dealing with that ever since.  No excuse to not post about it or check in at all, but in truth, I kind of forgot about this little baby in the whole mess.  It is one of those injuries that does not allow you to move for very long without pain...or sit for very long without pain...or lay for very long without pain...The pain would shoot from my mid to lower back all the way down my right leg to just past the knee.  Depending on what I was doing, it would go from a dull throb to all out knocking me to my knees pain.

And having lovely doctors in this city who claim 90% of all back pain is in a person's head.

I didn't want pain killers - which was all any of them seemed to want to offer.  Yeah...the pain is in my head BUT here's some T3s to ease your pain...makes sense to me!!


So I dealt with it using cold and heat and otc pain meds rather than the powerful knock you on your ass meds the docs were wanting to give me for a pain that was all "in my head".

I finally found a doctor that believed I was in pain and when nothing he offered would help, he suggested I think "outside the box" and handed me (discretely) a card with the name of an accupuncturist. 

WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!!  Between that and working with a family member who is a physiotherapist to find the right combo of exercises to strengthen my back and I've been doing so much better!

So better that I've been able to return to darts!  I even played a tournement - TWICE!!! - and took second place in one tournement!  Of course, had to see the accupunturist the Monday following BUT the pain was no worse than if I had been hauling boxes up and down stairs.  No where near what it had been before so I was happy.

But with it all came the weight.  I couldn't do anything for so long without pain - so no exercise and dealing with the pain with food led to...Well, it wasn't so much weight gain as loss of many muscles.  While I only gained 1.5 lbs during this whole mess, any muscles I once had have since turned to mush.  They have slowly been coming back and we will get on track with that.

The ones who have suffered the most have been Hubby and Kiddo.  I've had to decline doing so much with them in the last 10 months because...Well, honestly I was afraid of the pain that would follow.  Even swimming hurt so they would go by themselves and I'd stay home and sit and knit, or stand and knit, or lay and knit, depending on what kind of day I was having.  I got a lot of knitting done...BUT I missed out on so much with my family.

But it is coming back.  This weekend we took a walk around the neighbourhood and down the walking trail.  A good 1.5 hour walk and when we returned home, we lit up the fire and roasted hotdogs and drank hot chocolate.  It was good.  It was so wonderful to be back up and doing something NORMAL with my family at long last!

Anyways, life is slowly beginning to return to normal so I figured that now is a good time to begin again on this journey and recommit myself to weight loss and a healthy lifestyle.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Take a Letter Maria

1) OK, so it isn't a letter addressed to my wife...but my aunts. I wrote this a few years back in a psych class I was taking. The whole class was about how to get children to deal with their emotions in a healthy manner as well as learning how to deal with children through writing and art as therapy rather than simply expecting the children to talk - as often they don't want to talk but will reveal so much through their writing or drawing and painting. He also believed that the only way we could truly understand what he was talking about was to DO the activities as part of our own therapy so to speak. The letter writing was part of an exercise we did to try and let go of hurt feelings and to regain the power certain people have had over our lives, even if they aren't there any longer - a stranger who said something cruel when we were children, or our grade three teacher we haven't seen since, who ever it might be. The thing he was trying to teach us was that we don't have to confront the person IN person in order to regain the power. It isn't the exact letter as that is buried with my university stuff...but the gist is there.

Dear M and R...

I can still remember that day, though I know you don't and would deny it to your last breath. I remember the moment the medals were placed around Nadia's neck and deciding I. Wanted. To. Be. Just. Like. Nadia. Comanechi.

I wanted to be a gymnast. I wanted to flip through the air and dance across the mats and do everything that young girl had been so successful at doing. I wanted to hold my head up high and smile, knowing I had landed firmly and successfully after completing my routine perfectly.

And I can still remember how hard my heart was beating in my chest with excitement, knowing that there were gymnastic classes offered every fall and winter and I knew my parents would take me...all I had to do was ask.

"I want to be just like her! I'm going to ask Mom to take me to gymnastics so I can learn to be just like Nadia Comanechi!" I can still remember saying.

And the laughter from the two of you. Aunties who were supposed to love me and support me. Instead, you laughed...and taunted and teased.

"You are too fat!"

"You will break the parallel bars!"

"If you slip and land on one of the other girls you'll kill them because you are too fat!"

Horrid things that still haunt me to this day, colouring any decisions I might make.

How dare you! How dare you say things like that to a child! Do you realize just how much those horrible things affected me? How I never did ask my parents to let me take gymnastics because I was afraid they would laugh as cruelly as you had? How every time I wanted to try new things after that I didn't? All because I was afraid people would laugh?

I was only 7 years old and your cruel laughter changed who I was. Changed the core of me because I became afraid of laughter and judgement. And I soothed those emotions with food. And the food was bitter with tears.

And I still can't watch gymnastics without crying. Not because it might have been me doing those flips...but because I was so afraid after that to even try.

I gave up trying. Because of your laughter, I gave up even trying. And how much of my life did I miss because of that? Was I destined to become something greater than I am but will never know because I gave up for fear of your laughter? Those are things I will never know...that I will never get back all because you laughed at that little girl.

What made you think that the fat little girl I was was not capable of reaching greatness as a gymnast? What gave you the right to make that decision for me before I had even tried? As an adult now, I know I likely would have never won a gold medal...but as a child, you did not allow me to even have that dream.

And that is what hurts. That you took your own beliefs and forced them upon me. You took your own fears and forced me to believe them simply because you were too afraid to try anything yourself.

It is that and so much more. So. Much. More. But it is time to let go of it. Let go of this hurt little girl and tell her that she doesn't have to be afraid any longer. That she can go and play on the mats and do summersaults to her heart's content. And that if anyone laughs, I will be there for her and tell them to leave her be and let her dream.

And so I let it go. Your laughter will not hurt her any longer.

Alright, so that is what I mean by writing a letter. The actual letter I wrote was 4 pages long, double sided (so 8 pages I guess) and covered every single thing that my two aunts ever taunted and teased me about through my life - from the slight lisp I had as a child right up to the way they used to tease me about trying to learn the Cree language - a language I have never learned because I was afraid of hearing people laugh at my pronunciations. Even today they try to tease and taunt - which is why I limit my visiting with them. It is simply much simpler to deal with them via emails and telephone conversations. And when I do visit them, I have the strength to stand up for myself or for those who are their latest victims.

The whole point I am trying to make about writing a letter is to let it all go. Get as angry as you need to get. Cry as many tears as you need to cry. Write it down on paper and get it out of your system - release the poison that the emotions have on you.

And yes, there are some things you will have to repeat - write three, four or even five letters to deal with, perhaps more...but the whole thing is to get it OUT of YOU and onto paper which is visual and tangible. I recall doing this assignment and watching one of the girls in the class writing furiously and tears flowing down her face and when we were all finished, she looked at her paper and started to laugh.

"It seemed like so much MORE in my mind. It is all here, all the hurtful things that person did and said to me and it seemed like such a horrific event in my mind. But now that it is down on all seems kind of foolish that I gave that person so much power over my life for so long now over what is really a small thing...hurtful, yes...but still so small...and they aren't even part of my life any longer other than in the form of this memory."

And that is just it. Over the years and from her childhood memories, she had created a monster - made a mountain from a molehill because she had allowed this person to take control.

Often, our memories build something up to seem much bigger than it actually is. Yes, there are some horrific things that are as big as we remember...BUT often there are times when we gave up our own power (especially as children) and we remember these things as much worse than they actually were. And by writing them down we can look at it and say "yes, they were hurtful when they laughed...BUT it wasn't as horrible as I allowed myself to remember." I had built up in my mind this hurtful horrible memory which gave my aunts even more power for a much longer period. I allowed it to affect so much in my life - how afraid I became of trying anything new because someone might laugh and ridicule me.

So next time you find yourself going for that piece of chocolate cake or that bag of greasy chips, think about what happened in your day that makes you want to eat. Write it down. And when it happens again, write it down. After a few times, look at your list and try to associate that emotion with an event that happened in your life. Allow yourself to remember that moment in your clearly as you are able...and then write it down. Write a letter to the person, or if there isn't a single person, write it to the group, or to the event itself if there are no people. You don't have to mail it...but get the poison out of your system.

It is a start and a far better exercise than eating that slice of chocolate cheesecake.

2) I weighed myself today - because I forgot to weigh myself last week with all the hubbub of my in-laws being around. Not up...Not down...but the same. I am going to kick up my exercising a notch and see if that helps over the next few weeks - if there is no change, than I am going to move on and decrease the amount of food I am eating.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Alive and Kicking

What was longer than a weekend.

My In-laws showed up Thursday morning - unannounced and unexpected which never fails to tick me off to no end because I have to then deal with them expecting me to change our plans, plans that are often a month or more in the making - and just left this morning. I've managed to stay on track with scheduled meals and exercise - it was the unscheduled eating that I was fighting thanks to the stress of my In-laws being here. They live on this schedule of eating every two hours thanks to medicines they both require, but the eating they do is not healthy - morning coffee/snack should be cookies or a slice of pie or a slice of cake NOT the banana muffins or fruit that I had to offer. Same with afternoon coffee/snack - they were not impressed with the fact that I still had not whipped up a pie or cake. Evening snack was the same thing again, only this time they had gone out and bought three pies, a box of donuts and four bags of cookies. THEN when Hubby and I proceeded to fill our bowls with fruit MIL proceeded to say "Aren't you going to have pie? I bought the pie for you. Here, have some cookies...Here's the donuts..." and it was constant arguing over food and the fact that we are trying NOT to eat that way any longer...

"But just this once won't hurt you" was often the response we got but we managed to stick with eating mostly fruit at those times. We did share a chocolate cookie Friday night but given that it was one of those gourmet cookies I'm thinking it was a million calories and 5000 fat grams in that single cookie.

Having them here as company has led to some interesting food arguments in our home as well. Mostly they revolve around the fact that I don't have my yard plowed up for a garden and that I don't fry everything in pork fat and then smother it in cream gravy. MIL is not at all impressed with the lunches I make for Hubby - her youngest son. I was informed as I made his lunch that I was supposed to make him 3 sandwiches and include a pudding, a piece of cake and some cookies and one apple or orange or a banana....NOT the salad and pita pocket that I made him and why was I wasting all that fruit salad? I could have made the fruit salad last for days and days if I didn't stick it in Hubby's lunch - the reason we go through so much fruit is because Hubby has his fruit salad at morning coffee break and I have it for breakfast and snacks and lunches and often dessert after supper. And yogurt? WHY would I include yogurt when he doesn't even like yogurt? Hubby LOVES yogurt! I LOVE yogurt. Kiddo LOVES yogurt. I purchase five large containers of yogurt every week that is how much we love yogurt here! Kiddo will choose blueberry yogurt over pudding for a snack any day - and often does - unless it's chocolate fudge pudding with Oreo cookie bits and gummie worms thrown in for good measure - a treat I reserve for Buddy Days (when he has a buddy over to play) - Dirt and Worms. I think you have to be a 7 year old boy to fully appreciate it.

We had the Cancer Walk Friday evening and our Beavers did well. We only stayed until 9 pm - which was late enough for those Kiddos since it was already passed the bedtimes for most of them - but we still managed to walk and run around the track several times as a group to show our support. Everyone there was quite impressed with the fact that our little guys outdid the older Scouting groups in the amount they walked as well as by the amount they raised and the fact that our group was the ONLY scouting group IN UNIFORM.

The woman who gives me panic attacks was NOT impressed by the fact that the donation we made was NOT done on "behalf of all Scouting groups in the city" but simply donated by the Beavers - she claimed that as a scouting group we should have included all scouts in the donation - but our thought was "where were ALL the scouts when it came to the garage sale and Cancer Walk table?" They weren't there doing the fundraising and the Beavers did that on their own, including coming up with the idea.

Saturday morning was our Bottle Drive. Again, ONLY Beavers and their families showed up - R claimed it was was because the other scouts were "tired" after the cancer walk - most of them left around 10 so they were only there for an hour longer than the Beavers. We found out later that afternoon when we happened to stop by a cub leader's home (didn't know that she lived there) and was informed that R cancelled the Bottle Drive the night before because she didn't feel like doing the Cancer Walk on Friday and the Bottle Drive on Saturday. In fact, J said "If I had known that the Beavers were still doing the Bottle Drive, I would NEVER have called all my cubs and cancelled!" Oh well. R is the one who thinks we should only be doing Bingos to raise money, regardless of how much trouble she has getting volunteers and the fact that many of the parents and leaders agree that any fund raising we do should involve the children as they are the ones who benefit from the money we raise.

Sunday was the wrap-up picnic for Sunday School and it was FUN! We played ball and tag as well as went on treasure hunts through the park and along the walking paths. We flew kites and towards the end had water balloon fights. They had a hot dog roast but also had plenty of veggie trays and fruit trays made up along with the various salads. After wards there were a few Bible stories brought to life by the youth group as well as a sing along and they announced what was planned for next year's adult Sunday School classes (which run along the same time as the children's Sunday School, before church services begin) and Hubby and I were both interested in taking the Parenting Sunday School class they are going to be offering.

Hubby's parents did not attend any of these functions with us. We would have cancelled Sunday but Kiddo had been looking so forward to the picnic for the last month that after discussing it on Friday night (Hubby and I) we decided to go ahead with it. In the end I'm glad we did. We all had fun and did lots of moving and running despite the constant snacking - but at least we were snacking on fruits and veggies!

In truth, as much as I love the in-laws, they can grate on a person with their constant complaints and demands. As their daughter-in-law I am supposed to basically wait on them hand and foot. Like Hubby said last night "they expect you to do everything for them but wipe their ass" - he is so not impressed with his parents on this matter. And yes, he did defend me on this - much to the astonishment of his Mother who promptly informed him (in Low German because if she's talking about me she will only talk Low German thinking I don't understand) that SHE is his mother and he has no right to say that to her...and he said (in Low German because he KNOWS I understand the language after all these years - can't speak it but do understand it) that "SHE is my wife and it is my responsibility to defend her if I think she's being mistreated and I think you are mistreating her!"

Gotta love a man like that!

But now, they are gone until the next time they arrive unannounced and unexpected. Until then, I will get us all back on schedule and back on track. Until tomorrow...when I will post that letter I promised last week...I have to go restock the larder and venture into the grocery store with a 7 year old in tow...could be scary...

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Breaking the Chains

I was reading a post by Natasha over here and it got me thinking about my relationship with food.

There is a dichotomy - let me explain...

1) If you are underweight and suffer from anorexia or bulimia, the thinking is that it is a mental illness and you have to be counselled to overcome your illness and learn to live a certain way and change your relationship with food and body image...

BUT if you are "overweight" it is just a matter of making better food choices and getting off your ass because you are lazy.

2) If you suffer from anorexia or bulimia, the media can be blamed because of all the super skinny models shown on the covers of magazines and all the super skinny actors and actresses out there who have become the role models for our youth.

BUT if you are "overweight" those same "super skinny" models, actors and actresses are "role models" to show that being slim and healthy can be achieved by watching what you eat and exercising. (This is why you see claims like "Jennifer Aniston loses 10 pounds in The Zone" and "Susan Lucci keeps fit after 50 doing Pilates" and such things flashed across the front pages of gossip magazines)

3) If you suffer from anorexia or bulimia you feel as if the only thing you control is what food you do or don't consume...

BUT if you are overweight...your only relationship with food is that you simply eat too much and are too lazy to exercise.

4) If you are a young child suffering from anorexia or bulimia people say "they are already learning to control the world around them by what they eat"

BUT if you are an overweight child of the same age, your parents are blamed by not providing healthy choices for you and controlling what you eat...

See where I'm heading?

Being "fat" is simply being "too lazy" to do anything about it.

People don't realize that being overweight often involves an unhealthy relationship with food - as unhealthy as someone with anorexia or bulimia.

And for many overweight people it is a control thing as well.

How many of us feel as if our lives are so out of control with work, children, families, friends, bosses, and the solace we find is when we indulge in that slice of chocolate cheesecake or binging for the weekend after an argument with the boss?

How many of us feel that guilt after binging? And so we continue to do it for a few more days to appease the guilt?

And how is this any different than the anorexic who has ate one carrot stick to many and so exercises for an additional 3 hours and skips their carrot stick the next day to make up for it?

Both are control issues...and both are very unhealthy.

I know I have an unhealthy relationship with food.

I also know that this relationship started when I was a very young child and when I cried I was simply handed a cookie or someone would buy me a chocolate bar. I learned early to sooth my emotions by eating.

In this pop psych world we live in it seems we often look for blame rather than accepting responsibilities for the choices we make. "I only drink because I was raised in an alcoholic home" My sister used this one...once...until I started laughing uncontrollably because I was raised in the same home - and I rarely drink and if I do, I have one or two and then switch to water or coffee.

To me, it seems as if I could say "I am only overweight because I was raised in an overweight home"...BUT I wasn't. I was raised by skinny parents and have skinny siblings.

I could blame how my parents treated me and things that were said to me as a child - I was often compared to my siblings as "these two are the ones who are geniuses and this one is the normal one"...NOTHING is worse than being called "normal" in a family of geniuses...

And I've since learned that "genius" is relative, as I've since scored much higher than either of them on the same tests and are several points higher on the scale of "genius"...but still think it's just a number as my math still SUCKS no matter what those numbers say about my math skills.

I could blame my father being an absentee father for most of my childhood - his work required him to be gone for most of the winter every single year until I was 15.

I could blame my parents for being an "interracial couple" and that leading to snide comments made by my mother's side of the family (the Native side...I rarely encountered racism from the non-Native community and when I did, I dealt with it quickly or it was dealt with by the people around me. I am still trying to figure out why I can't do the same with my mother's family...)

I could blame...well...I'm sure if I went back far enough I could blame everyone and everything and never have to take any responsibility for any of my weight issues...

But I can't.

Because I'm an adult. And being of a certain age only I can control what I eat and what I do. No one is standing next to me forcing me to eat that piece of cheese cake...No one is holding a gun to my head telling me I am not allowed to move and not allowed to get off my ass and do something.

Only I make those choices.

So here's what we need to do...

1) put away that "inner child" and learn to say no to him/her when she screams for unhealthy habits like eating, binging, sitting in front of the television, etc. Send her to bed and tell her you'll come and read her a night time story after you're done the supper dishes.

2) face those demons. Figure out what your triggers are - do you eat when Mom calls? Or in my case, Mother-In-Law. Do you eat after a stressful day at work? Do you eat when you argue with your significant other? Do you eat after looking in the mirror and telling yourself how fat you've gotten? Do you eat when you are bored? FIND YOUR TRIGGER TIMES and write them down.

3) clean out your pantry of all your trigger foods - is your weakness chips and dip? THEN WHY do you have them in your house? IF your skinny spouse and children like to snack on them on Saturday night, then only buy them on Saturday night while you go and do something else. Toss them out! Is your weakness chocolate bars? Toss them out! Give them away! Just get rid of them!

4) Find something to do when those trigger moments happen. Journal...Blog...Run... Walk...Drink water...Crochet...Knit...Garden...Paint a wall in a bedroom...Change the furniture in your living room...Alphabetize your CD or DVD collection...Wash the ceiling...Take a book and walk to the park and read it...Fly a kite with your Kiddos...Have a water gun or water balloon fight outside (inside makes a mess)...Take a bath...Do your hair in a new style...Organize your pictures...Scrapbook those pictures...Cuddle with your loved ones...Make paper air planes and race them to see which kinds fly further...Teach yourself a new craft or a new skill - there were thousands of websites out there to help you learn.

Write a letter to a loved one you aren't able to visit as often as you'd like. Not an email but a real letter with pretty stationary and your best writing.

And if you feel as if a particular trigger is based on someone in your past, write that person a letter explaining how that thing they said or that thing they did hurt you and causes you pain all these years later. You don't have to mail it...but writing it down will help you deal with that trigger. I have one...I will post it tomorrow...

Anything...There are a million and one things you can be doing that will keep you from eating during those trigger moments.

I am still learning this all myself...and it is going to be long process until living healthy becomes as much a habit as living unhealthy has become.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Chain (venting...ignore if you wish)

I am chained to the computer and needed a break from numbers. Let me explain.

I love my Hubby.

I really really do. He's a wonderful and supportive husband. He's a wonderful father. He supports us financially without a complaint and I am able to remain home as the main caregiver for our son. He's funny and loving and has a wonderful dry sense of humour.


There are times when I honestly feel like hitting him upside the head with a rolling pin or cast iron frying pan or something of a decent weight just so I can make my point.

See, I do the books for Hubby's plumbing business. I took over this roll after Kiddo was born in an effort to save some money as the accountant we used at the time charged over $2500 a year to do the monthly books and payroll.

When you are living on one income, $2500 a year is a lot of money.

I try to keep up and do a pretty good job on that aspect considering I also home school our son and maintain the house and make the meals...but there are always little things that you find towards the end that you have to add to the list - statements that don't arrive until April...Statements of remuneration (payroll) that have to be balanced...little receipts that you find buried in the change jar. Stuff like that.

So last month I worked on getting the books caught up and everything balanced for 2008 so we could finally get the books in to the accountant early for a change. I got everything done - only to find out that our accountant was going to Scotland to visit her family for the month of May.

That's all right. Our business return does not have to be in to the government until the middle of June. She advised us there would be time for her to do them because she had laid aside time for the few business accounts she does (she's retired and does only accounts/taxes for a select few).

So she called yesterday. She's back from her holiday.

I take the folder that has everything printed out and itemized as well as the monthly sheets and hand it to Hubby and tell him to drop it off at the accountant on his way to work this morning.

He sheepishly goes out to his work van and brings in TWO shopping bags stuffed full with receipts he found while cleaning his van a few weeks ago...and of course, he was too sheepish to bring them in.

Shopping bags. Like he doesn't have a plastic folder to carry the receipts he's supposed to bring in every month after I nag him for the first week of every month? He still has to have stray receipts all over his work van?

"Not just the van" he tells me. "I found some in the garage as well."

I was just a little bit irate with him.

Just a little bit.

So all day now I've been chained to the computer adding what has come to well over $17 900 worth of receipts for fuel, tools, toilets, water heaters, furnaces, duct work, van repairs (like the $1200 motor job he had to have done last August and the $900 towing bill to go with it because the motor went five hours from home!) name it...and I'm still not done! I still have half a bag of stuff to go but I really really needed to vent a little before I started munching on Chex mix (and I hate Chex mix - WHY we even have Chex mix in the house I have no idea because no one here eats Chex mix! I know I didn't buy it so I'm thinking it was a snack for the kids from the weekend left here by the parents.)

This makes a BIG difference in how much he will end up paying in taxes this year for the business. BIG difference considering some of the water heaters runs HIM $1700 - and there were TWO of them in the bag!!!

And there are things for every single month! So not only am I adding other things but now I also have to rebalance EVERY SINGLE MONTH and refigure all the totals for every single thing, such as vehicle repairs, plumbing/heating supplies, tools, fuel, office supplies (because the receipt for the external hard drive was in there as well as several purchases for ink and paper)

AND I found a scrap of paper that said "Paid Stephen C $500 cash + source deductions - April 15, 2008 - casual labour" which means...get this...that we were also out on the payroll that I had already sent in to the government back in FEBRUARY!!! So I was also on the phone with the gov't trying to sort out that mess now...Thank goodness I got a very understanding person on the other end. Actually, he laughed.

"Let me guess...He's self employed and relies on you to keep the books and receipts for him?"


I'm tired now. I have a head ache. Kiddo is tired of reading - which was his schooling today - "take this book and read it until I tell you to stop". I let him stop when he finished. He told me he's "never reading another book...EVER!" and proceeded to play PlayStation.

And I'm still not done.

Hubby's paying me a wage for the 2009 books. Hourly.

And it is going to be HIGH.

Honestly, I do love him but sometimes the man drives me around the bend.

I think I'm going to stop for the rest of the day and take a walk with Kiddo. Get the numbers out of my head.

There was a reason I became a teacher and NOT an accountant.

Thanks for letting me vent.
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